Not today

Yesterday I was fast enough to get the mail....it is always a race in our household and John usually wins...I let him because he cries about it if I get it. He says it's his job. Anyways.


http://mothering.com/ came and I adore this magazine, have been reading it for years. I can sit down no matter what is going on and read it all from cover to cover and absorb everything in it.

BUT yesterday the cover brought tears to me eyes, not in a happy-can't-wait-to-read-it kinda way, but oh my, do I read it or throw it right into my recycling bin (which you should never throw away this mag, it is just too good). I even said to John that I should just throw it away right now before I am tempted to read it.

Instead, it sat on my kitchen counter for about an hour just staring at me, taunting me to read it. And I kid you not, every time I looked at it, I cried. It was just bad timing. And I did read it, through tears.

"Homebirth: Ways to make sure your stays at home"

Really, how much of a worse time could it have come. Yeah, I know, get over it already, the kid is 5 1/2 months old, he's healthy and he could give two shakes of a rat's ass where he was born. I swear, every time I come to the computer to write down his birth story and I start to prepare it in my head, it sends me into this dark place and honestly, I am just not comfortable being there. I don't like the feelings I get when I think about his birth. How do I work through these?!!

Thank God I am not having any more babies because this is just way too much baggage to sift through to come to terms with having a subsequent birth, a homebirth. Tried hypnotherapy after the traumatic hospital birth of my first child and that did work and led me to very positive, peaceful, natural births of my daughters. Maybe I need that again to just get over it. Does it really matter anymore? I don't have to conquer childbirth again so what does it matter.

It does matter. I am grieving. I lost the dream of my homebirth for my baby. That dream died and all the scenarios and ideals that I held in my head for so long about his birth are gone, never to be lived out. And that my friend, hurts. It hurts my heart. It hurts that I did do everything that this article says you should

1. Hire the right midwife....check
2.Hire a doula or support person (had John, the best support I would ever need)...check
3.Exorcise emotional ghost (did that, see above)...check
4.Create a supportive community...check
5. Prepare emotionally and physically...check
6.Create your birthing space...check
7.Optimally position the fetus....check (LIVED at my chiro's office)
8.Plan for the long haul...check (did 14, 7, and 16 hours of labor, was ready for the same)
9.Develop strategies for dealing with stress and pain...check
10.Surrender to birth...check (I not only surrendered, I welcomed and embraced and enjoyed it)

okay, see, I did it all....where's my money back guarantee? I followed the owner's manual for upkeep and preparedness but didn't get what I was promised.

I remember a few years back I was told by a fellow natural birther to want the baby, not the birth....don't have another baby just so you can have that long desired ideal perfect birth because you won't get it. No, I didn't get pregnant just so I could go for another birth, homebirth, but it was part of my excitement in weighing the pros and cons of another baby. I will admit, it did push me in that direction a little. I was excited to do it ALL again, pregnancy, birth, and baby. I wanted that power of a pregnant woman, that connection to the earth and God and miracles to happen to me one more time. I can't say that I walked away from it feeling powerful. I didn't do it and I am disappointed and sad.

The last paragraph of the articles states "The best is yet to come" Despite all the best intentions and preparations, some births include transfer to a hospital-for the sake of the life of the mother, the baby, or both. If this happens, it's important to not feel guilty, or that you've somehow failed. A lot of trauma can come from tranfer, try to find a way to make it okay"
when can I check this off my list too??