Friday, April 30, 2010

Dealing with the memories....still

Leaving the birthing room of the hospital, the one that I was not supposed to be in, they play a lullaby of some sort, I am not even sure if it was just music or chimes or what, I just remember my nurse pushed some button to let us out of the corridor and the noise started. Noise that was not happy in my world, I was just so angry. Why did I just give birth in this hospital, the one I hate and everyone in this town has a bad story about. Why was I abandoned by my midwife and left in this pit of my own bad frame of thinking. Where was my happiness of having a perfectly healthy big baby? Why was my head in excruciating pain? Where was my happy ending of having my baby in MY living room in the birth-tub that was left deflated? I was supposed to be resting in my own bed surrounded by all my children welcoming their brother, who they just saw exit my body, and all siblings held the responsibility of releasing him from me?

Instead I am being wheeled into another dull room into another uncomfortable bed where pretty soon they will take my baby away from me, try to poke him everywhere, or stick something in his mouth not meant to be there or tell me his blood sugar is too low because he is too big or they need to bathe him or put him into the warmer. And you know what, they did bathe him, I didn't get to inhale his sweet-fresh-from-my-body smell that I love, the once in a lifetime smell you never get a chance to get again. Yes, this all still hurts 2 years later. I love my little boy more than life itself but something so special was stolen from me that I can never have back again. That perfect birth that I prepared so hard for and pray so hard for was snatched from me, and it is not just about "you should be happy he is here" because it is SO much more.

Thanks for reading, I just had to get that all out.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I have come to a great new place in the department of "taking care of myself"....number 1. I put my scale away and I no longer weigh myself! It was mentally torturing me every-single-day and I was completely tired with having those 3 numbers control my day, my emotionally stability, my happiness (or lack there of). I don't need to know what I weigh everyday or at all actually because you know what, I does NOT matter. I wear the same clothes every week so I know to use that as my guide instead.

What matters is that I take care of myself. I exercise most days of the week and I let life's interruptions NOT throw me off track. If I only make it to the gyms 2 days in one week because I had to help out at the kids' schools or we had an appt. then so week I'll be back at the gym. I lift weights to make myself stronger and keep my bones and heart healthy. I do cardio because it is good for my spirits and my blood pressure/pulse. I walk the dog to get us both out of the house. I have learned to not be in pursuit of the perfect body, I just want health.

I have decided to end any eating of processed or "fake" food. No more artificial anything. I am in the second week and my body feels great my mind feels unclogged. I have told myself to only eat what God has made and stay away from science created foods. Now getting my kids onto this line of thinking will be the hardest especially for Johnny who is pretty selective/limited about what he wants and Madeline who loves her flavored yogurt and Ava who loves her Jif peanut butter. Luckily, they all love fresh fruits and veggies, it is just getting rid of granola bars, and canned clam chowder and such.

The great book that I am currently reading is In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto (9780143114963): Michael Pollan: Books and his main point is to Eat food (real whole food), not too much, mostly plants and I will say this has been a lot easier to do than what I thought it would be. I am telling you, my mind feels great, at peace, in control. I am excited to be on this path to better health, not worrying a lower weight!

Monday, April 19, 2010

when I don't have time......

March trip to the Magic Kingdom

Ian's newest favorite possession- buzz lightyear boots-everywhere

sitting in the country, middle of nowhere South Carolina, visiting with Granny, Aunt meme and their dogs

Ian putting his flower on the cross at church for Easter

Watching fireworks while camping at Ft. Wilderness Disney during our spring break

Campfire with Chip and Dale while roasting smores (Ian was terrified and had to be taken away by daddy)