Dealing with the memories....still

Leaving the birthing room of the hospital, the one that I was not supposed to be in, they play a lullaby of some sort, I am not even sure if it was just music or chimes or what, I just remember my nurse pushed some button to let us out of the corridor and the noise started. Noise that was not happy in my world, I was just so angry. Why did I just give birth in this hospital, the one I hate and everyone in this town has a bad story about. Why was I abandoned by my midwife and left in this pit of my own bad frame of thinking. Where was my happiness of having a perfectly healthy big baby? Why was my head in excruciating pain? Where was my happy ending of having my baby in MY living room in the birth-tub that was left deflated? I was supposed to be resting in my own bed surrounded by all my children welcoming their brother, who they just saw exit my body, and all siblings held the responsibility of releasing him from me?

Instead I am being wheeled into another dull room into another uncomfortable bed where pretty soon they will take my baby away from me, try to poke him everywhere, or stick something in his mouth not meant to be there or tell me his blood sugar is too low because he is too big or they need to bathe him or put him into the warmer. And you know what, they did bathe him, I didn't get to inhale his sweet-fresh-from-my-body smell that I love, the once in a lifetime smell you never get a chance to get again. Yes, this all still hurts 2 years later. I love my little boy more than life itself but something so special was stolen from me that I can never have back again. That perfect birth that I prepared so hard for and pray so hard for was snatched from me, and it is not just about "you should be happy he is here" because it is SO much more.

Thanks for reading, I just had to get that all out.