Saturday, August 30, 2008
http://mothering.com/ came and I adore this magazine, have been reading it for years. I can sit down no matter what is going on and read it all from cover to cover and absorb everything in it.
BUT yesterday the cover brought tears to me eyes, not in a happy-can't-wait-to-read-it kinda way, but oh my, do I read it or throw it right into my recycling bin (which you should never throw away this mag, it is just too good). I even said to John that I should just throw it away right now before I am tempted to read it.
Instead, it sat on my kitchen counter for about an hour just staring at me, taunting me to read it. And I kid you not, every time I looked at it, I cried. It was just bad timing. And I did read it, through tears.
"Homebirth: Ways to make sure your stays at home"
Really, how much of a worse time could it have come. Yeah, I know, get over it already, the kid is 5 1/2 months old, he's healthy and he could give two shakes of a rat's ass where he was born. I swear, every time I come to the computer to write down his birth story and I start to prepare it in my head, it sends me into this dark place and honestly, I am just not comfortable being there. I don't like the feelings I get when I think about his birth. How do I work through these?!!
Thank God I am not having any more babies because this is just way too much baggage to sift through to come to terms with having a subsequent birth, a homebirth. Tried hypnotherapy after the traumatic hospital birth of my first child and that did work and led me to very positive, peaceful, natural births of my daughters. Maybe I need that again to just get over it. Does it really matter anymore? I don't have to conquer childbirth again so what does it matter.
It does matter. I am grieving. I lost the dream of my homebirth for my baby. That dream died and all the scenarios and ideals that I held in my head for so long about his birth are gone, never to be lived out. And that my friend, hurts. It hurts my heart. It hurts that I did do everything that this article says you should
1. Hire the right midwife....check
2.Hire a doula or support person (had John, the best support I would ever need)...check
3.Exorcise emotional ghost (did that, see above)...check
4.Create a supportive community...check
5. Prepare emotionally and physically...check
6.Create your birthing space...check
7.Optimally position the fetus....check (LIVED at my chiro's office)
8.Plan for the long haul...check (did 14, 7, and 16 hours of labor, was ready for the same)
9.Develop strategies for dealing with stress and pain...check
10.Surrender to birth...check (I not only surrendered, I welcomed and embraced and enjoyed it)
okay, see, I did it all....where's my money back guarantee? I followed the owner's manual for upkeep and preparedness but didn't get what I was promised.
I remember a few years back I was told by a fellow natural birther to want the baby, not the birth....don't have another baby just so you can have that long desired ideal perfect birth because you won't get it. No, I didn't get pregnant just so I could go for another birth, homebirth, but it was part of my excitement in weighing the pros and cons of another baby. I will admit, it did push me in that direction a little. I was excited to do it ALL again, pregnancy, birth, and baby. I wanted that power of a pregnant woman, that connection to the earth and God and miracles to happen to me one more time. I can't say that I walked away from it feeling powerful. I didn't do it and I am disappointed and sad.
The last paragraph of the articles states "The best is yet to come" Despite all the best intentions and preparations, some births include transfer to a hospital-for the sake of the life of the mother, the baby, or both. If this happens, it's important to not feel guilty, or that you've somehow failed. A lot of trauma can come from tranfer, try to find a way to make it okay"
when can I check this off my list too??
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Madeline was very bruised when she was born because she was pushed out so quickly. At that time I was so done with being in labor (read pain) and she was out in 2 pushes....a bit too fast for an almost 10 pound baby! Poor thing looked beat up for days. What did remain was a angel kiss that is in the middle of her forehead and you can still see it now especially when she coughs or cries.
She was always my girly girly too......LOVES dresses, bracelets, getting her hair done, and wearing nail polish and make-up. I argue with her now because she wants to wear my makeup all the time but gosh darn it it's too expensive and she's only 4 (now 5!)
This picture hangs on the wall over my desk and it just speaks volumes about Madeline. Such a free spirit, always dancing, hair flowing behind her, eyes sparkling. A lot of people call her a little hippie :) Yeah, that makes me proud ;P~
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I truly had a wonderful pregnancy and felt that I enjoyed every minute of it. Of course I had all your basic complaints but they really seemed insignificant compared to the happiness I felt to be carrying around a new little baby.I was so happy every morning to wake up and be pregnant and also every night to feel those little pushes and nudges from this perfect creature.
I woke up on Wednesday feeling as normal as usual. I had zero contractions and no feelings whatsoever that today was "the" day. I went to the bathroom a few times that morning and seemed to feel wetter than usual.I called the midwife because I was worried about leaking too much and she wanted to check me. I went in at 11:30 and the strip test showed fluid leakage but the fern test did not.I did not pool when I coughed but there was excess fluid in there. I was also dilated to 3 cm and still 50 % effaced. I should have just left after that but she wanted to send me to the hospital for a sonogram to get an accurate fluid level since they didn't measure it the week before. So across the street I went to the hospital back to have yet another sonogram that I really didn't want. My fluid was just fine but the tech was floored when the output for weight was 11 lbs 8 oz. She faxed the results back to the midwife's office and I went back to the office. Everyone knew there was no way the baby was that big. It was too late in the pregnancy to get an accurate reading, it was a different tech that did it than the week before, and I really didn't look by measurements to be that big.
I was supposed to be at the hospital at 7:30 but Johnny was being very needy and clingy like he knew what was going on. I didn't want to up and leave on him so it was a gradual process to get out the door. I was at the hospital at 8:00 pm and had to get checked and all that nonsense. The good news was that I was at 4 cm and having some small contractions I couldn't feel. I had to get hooked up to the monitor and have a hep lock put in. She inserted the cervidil at 9:15 and I was confined to the bed for 2 hours and had to keep it in for 4 hours.
Oh, and she is talking in her class! More of that later.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Needless to say the kids were very tired today but overall were still very excited about all the events. And I'm old now....I have a kid in first grade! When did that happen?? AND NO SCHOOL tomorrow already....tropical storm/hurricane is heading our way and they use the schools as shelters for evacuation. We did a bit of preparation today and I will say that you will never again find me inside a walmart the day before a hurricane. chaos. a million people. never again.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
It's so beautiful that the background looks fake! It was kinda overcast and rained on us off and on the whole weekend but it was still so incredibly peaceful. It was a great soul cleansing and brain freeing vacation! I could really just breathe a lot better afterwards....really cool, we even got to watch a wedding on the beach on Saturday...it always make me smile to see someone at the start of their new life together, smile for their innocence and for their hope in the future, smile at all that lies ahead for them, for all the happiness and all the turmoil that is written out, hopefully to make them stronger and better people in the end.
"Please don't forget to pack me also"
We went to the cutest restaurant Sunday morning for brunch and had to laugh at this on the wall :))
How could you not destress while sitting there looking at this view?!!
laughing at mommy
okay, so I hope there is more progress to this 1000 piece puzzle than this! We tried but it was really a brain frying exercising and it was straining me more than I wanted to be! J and V, I am waiting for that picture of completion ;)) You only have 4 more days to go!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
We spent most of our time back and forth between the beach and the pool. We headed over to watch the sunset and Madeline wanted to go again because she said it was so quiet and peaceful. She loved posing for the camera too.
My in laws' 7 grandkids....7 of them in 6 years and John only has one brother! There is Nicholas, Ava, Ian, Johnny, Lauren, Ryan (Nick's twin), and Madeline. Hard, hard, hard to get a picture like this!
Johnny trying to use his kickboard as a surfboard....too bad we're on the wrong coast for surfing!