Just need to write to get out some frustration.
Wanna try something just for kicks? Take 4 kids completely across town by yourself to go bathing suit shopping. Discover that while unloading said kids you have left your diaperbag at home with wallet,license, diapers, wipes, etc. Oh well, go inside to look around. All kids had serious naps so even though it is approaching 8 pm, you know they won't be sleeping anytime soon.
Walk around entire store looking for swimsuit section and see it only consists of 4 racks, completely picked over. Amazingly find 4 that might work,ha!
Now the really fun part...put 3 hyper kids plus one screaming clingy baby plus double stroller into a room 3 X 4 feet and strip down only to have 2 kids laugh at your exposed "boobies". Try to squeeze those "boobies" into the unknown of a bathing suit. Stand back and look at your 3 month post baby body with the biggest "boobies" ever squishing out of every side of too small top. Sigh.
Found one that might have worked but I felt old in it, it wasn't me even though it did cover all parts properly. Besides, had no money to pay for it.
Leave. Baby is already screaming and you have a 15 min ride home. 2 oldest already fighting in the rear. In all of this, all I can think about is money or lack there of and how crazy I must have been to think I could handle 4 kids and raise them to be healthy citizens, and pay for everything they want to do and basically just overwhelming the crap out of myself. I can't even fill the gas tank up anymore. I don't read the business section of the paper anymore. I don't ever watch the news anymore. The cost of food is outrageous especially when you feed your kids whole foods. I felt myself just sinking, trying to hold my head above water, struggling to breathe. Then this came on the radio and I had to turn it up too loud just so I could hear over all the noise:
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said
[Chorus:] And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
I won't give up if you dont give up [Reapeat x4]
I need a sign to let me know you're here '
Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me [
When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And futbol teams are kissing Queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours
[Chorus x2] Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade]
~Train "Calling All Angels"
Wow, I just need to go to bed. I just need a couple of minutes of quiet to pray, to get all this junk out of my head. I need to give thanks for all that I do have and replace my fears with faith. I am overwhelmed.
I read a sign today that I forgot about until just now, something to think about.
"Happiness is wanting what you get"