Dealing with the memories....still

Leaving the birthing room of the hospital, the one that I was not supposed to be in, they play a lullaby of some sort, I am not even sure if it was just music or chimes or what, I just remember my nurse pushed some button to let us out of the corridor and the noise started. Noise that was not happy in my world, I was just so angry. Why did I just give birth in this hospital, the one I hate and everyone in this town has a bad story about. Why was I abandoned by my midwife and left in this pit of my own bad frame of thinking. Where was my happiness of having a perfectly healthy big baby? Why was my head in excruciating pain? Where was my happy ending of having my baby in MY living room in the birth-tub that was left deflated? I was supposed to be resting in my own bed surrounded by all my children welcoming their brother, who they just saw exit my body, and all siblings held the responsibility of releasing him from me?

Instead I am being wheeled into another dull room into another uncomfortable bed where pretty soon they will take my baby away from me, try to poke him everywhere, or stick something in his mouth not meant to be there or tell me his blood sugar is too low because he is too big or they need to bathe him or put him into the warmer. And you know what, they did bathe him, I didn't get to inhale his sweet-fresh-from-my-body smell that I love, the once in a lifetime smell you never get a chance to get again. Yes, this all still hurts 2 years later. I love my little boy more than life itself but something so special was stolen from me that I can never have back again. That perfect birth that I prepared so hard for and pray so hard for was snatched from me, and it is not just about "you should be happy he is here" because it is SO much more.

Thanks for reading, I just had to get that all out.

Food

I have come to a great new place in the department of "taking care of myself"....number 1. I put my scale away and I no longer weigh myself! It was mentally torturing me every-single-day and I was completely tired with having those 3 numbers control my day, my emotionally stability, my happiness (or lack there of). I don't need to know what I weigh everyday or at all actually because you know what, I does NOT matter. I wear the same clothes every week so I know to use that as my guide instead.

What matters is that I take care of myself. I exercise most days of the week and I let life's interruptions NOT throw me off track. If I only make it to the gyms 2 days in one week because I had to help out at the kids' schools or we had an appt. then so what....next week I'll be back at the gym. I lift weights to make myself stronger and keep my bones and heart healthy. I do cardio because it is good for my spirits and my blood pressure/pulse. I walk the dog to get us both out of the house. I have learned to not be in pursuit of the perfect body, I just want health.

I have decided to end any eating of processed or "fake" food. No more artificial anything. I am in the second week and my body feels great my mind feels unclogged. I have told myself to only eat what God has made and stay away from science created foods. Now getting my kids onto this line of thinking will be the hardest especially for Johnny who is pretty selective/limited about what he wants and Madeline who loves her flavored yogurt and Ava who loves her Jif peanut butter. Luckily, they all love fresh fruits and veggies, it is just getting rid of granola bars, and canned clam chowder and such.

The great book that I am currently reading is Amazon.com: In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto (9780143114963): Michael Pollan: Books and his main point is to Eat food (real whole food), not too much, mostly plants and I will say this has been a lot easier to do than what I thought it would be. I am telling you, my mind feels great, at peace, in control. I am excited to be on this path to better health, not worrying a lower weight!

when I don't have time......

March trip to the Magic Kingdom

Ian's newest favorite possession- buzz lightyear boots-everywhere

sitting in the country, middle of nowhere South Carolina, visiting with Granny, Aunt meme and their dogs

Ian putting his flower on the cross at church for Easter

Watching fireworks while camping at Ft. Wilderness Disney during our spring break

Campfire with Chip and Dale while roasting smores (Ian was terrified and had to be taken away by daddy)

I did it. I cancelled weight watchers. I just feel like they have nothing to offer me anymore. I feel so frustrated and down on myself every week when I go to weigh in and there is no change. Nothing for almost a full year.

I kinda feel like a quitter yet I know that WW as helped me achieve a lifestyle I probably wouldn't have gotten to on my own. I LOVE to exercise! I look forward to how I will look months from now as these new muscles pop out and begin to see their definition and destination. I enjoy seeing how my body IS changing even though the number on the scale is NOT. I NEED to feel good about myself and WW is NOT letting me feel that way. Every week there I feel like a failure instead. I need to move on and focus on my mental outlook and stop looking at that scale because it is so much more than that....it is that single digit number that I now see on my pant's tag, it is that number on my weight bar that goes higher, it is that leg muscle that hurts everyday but gets stronger and tighter, it is that high that I get after completing a hard class. THAT is what I need to focus on.

I KNOW how to eat. I am a very avid journaler and write down everything I eat! I know how certain foods make me feel, mental and physically and I know what to stay away from now and what to have in moderation. I KNOW what to do and nothing about that will change as it has been an everyday habit for the past 2 years.

I might take that $40 a month now and put it in a clothing fund for myself! Or, go see a nutritionist like I have been wanting to do.

I feel free now. And better. It is time to stop making myself feel like crap every week and move on. WW helped me lose 40 pounds but it is time to move on. Thank you WW for your help but you no longer have anything to offer. We are through.

A time for pictures

All weight loss and blood work and all boring seriousness aside, it is time for some updated pictures! Besides, losing weight sucks when you only have a few pounds to go and it takes a year and your still in the same spot for NO apparent reason, geez. Yeah, a little bitter.

Anyways, my parents use to live about 30 minutes away and now they live 3 minutes away, hooray! These first 3 pictures were at their last house on our last visit there.

Madeline inherited this plant, you know because my mom was trying to get stuff out of her house and since we have a smallish house with 6 people and 2 animals, we have all the room in the world for such nonsense. I am this close <> to throwing that thing out (as soon as Madeline is not looking)

Johnny can never take a serious picture, must be the age, hence why I never any to post of him!

Ian was stuffing his face with a cuban sitting on his favorite ride, John Deere

Melt my heart, this boy idolizes his daddy

Ava's preschool class party for Valentine's day....a rare photo of me :)

swoon

Ava's best friend, Evan. Oh how I hope they marry one day

Normal

Blood results are in and I am normal! Ha, that's funny!

My overall cholesterol is fine but my LDL is too high and my HDL is too low, confusing huh?!

Thyroid and blood sugar and vitamins are all normal. My bread free days lasted 3 then superbowl party and a birthday party hit me sooooo I am now on day 3 again of no bread. So far so good. Through the course of this most recent experiment, I have learned some very important lessons that I might have otherwise missed: 1. If I start off my day with cereal, I crave a sandwich or pasta for lunch; if I start with eggs, I crave more protein in the day. 2. I CANNOT have just one bite of candy/chocolate/ice cream etc. If I never put it in my mouth to begin with, I actually don't want it and the moment passes. 3. Sugar makes me super cranky, makes me hate myself, and makes me angry towards the kids. 4. Eating a bread product makes my stomach puffy and my pants tight. I am craving a lot of water right now 5. I am actually now following the simply filling program of WW without the cereal/bread; who knew? 6. I have cut down on so many fruits and have replaced those servings with veggies, turns out I was still getting too much natural sugar from fruits. 7. For the first time in many many months I feel in control! That my friends is a major accomplishment!

So.

I lost a pound (you know, of the 3 that I have gained!) John is working mids for the month of February so I will be able to go to every weight watchers meeting this month since he can take Ava to school instead of me. I love to exercise in the am before I get on the scale so for this month, I can! Yesterday worked out great with no sugar/bread, I actually ate quite a bit and didn't have any headaches or feel hungry/deprived at all. We'll see how this week goes, I have many mantras I am repeating to myself like : "I am worth this" "The cravings will pass" "I will never be this weight again" and so on.....I am really trying to work on my mental attitude and how I talk to myself and try to have a more positive attitude instead of trash talking myself everyday.

My parents moved over the weekend from plant city to a mile away! I am so excited they are closer, we have already been there everyday since they moved. Ian definitely loves it since he is a little obsessed with his Papa. The girls love the new house because there are more rooms and more places to explore and hide! I love that they love to help out with the kids and will keep them anytime!

Anyways, waiting to hear about my blood results, I'll update when I hear