I did it. I cancelled weight watchers. I just feel like they have nothing to offer me anymore. I feel so frustrated and down on myself every week when I go to weigh in and there is no change. Nothing for almost a full year.

I kinda feel like a quitter yet I know that WW as helped me achieve a lifestyle I probably wouldn't have gotten to on my own. I LOVE to exercise! I look forward to how I will look months from now as these new muscles pop out and begin to see their definition and destination. I enjoy seeing how my body IS changing even though the number on the scale is NOT. I NEED to feel good about myself and WW is NOT letting me feel that way. Every week there I feel like a failure instead. I need to move on and focus on my mental outlook and stop looking at that scale because it is so much more than that....it is that single digit number that I now see on my pant's tag, it is that number on my weight bar that goes higher, it is that leg muscle that hurts everyday but gets stronger and tighter, it is that high that I get after completing a hard class. THAT is what I need to focus on.

I KNOW how to eat. I am a very avid journaler and write down everything I eat! I know how certain foods make me feel, mental and physically and I know what to stay away from now and what to have in moderation. I KNOW what to do and nothing about that will change as it has been an everyday habit for the past 2 years.

I might take that $40 a month now and put it in a clothing fund for myself! Or, go see a nutritionist like I have been wanting to do.

I feel free now. And better. It is time to stop making myself feel like crap every week and move on. WW helped me lose 40 pounds but it is time to move on. Thank you WW for your help but you no longer have anything to offer. We are through.

A time for pictures

All weight loss and blood work and all boring seriousness aside, it is time for some updated pictures! Besides, losing weight sucks when you only have a few pounds to go and it takes a year and your still in the same spot for NO apparent reason, geez. Yeah, a little bitter.

Anyways, my parents use to live about 30 minutes away and now they live 3 minutes away, hooray! These first 3 pictures were at their last house on our last visit there.

Madeline inherited this plant, you know because my mom was trying to get stuff out of her house and since we have a smallish house with 6 people and 2 animals, we have all the room in the world for such nonsense. I am this close <> to throwing that thing out (as soon as Madeline is not looking)

Johnny can never take a serious picture, must be the age, hence why I never any to post of him!

Ian was stuffing his face with a cuban sitting on his favorite ride, John Deere

Melt my heart, this boy idolizes his daddy

Ava's preschool class party for Valentine's day....a rare photo of me :)

swoon

Ava's best friend, Evan. Oh how I hope they marry one day

Normal

Blood results are in and I am normal! Ha, that's funny!

My overall cholesterol is fine but my LDL is too high and my HDL is too low, confusing huh?!

Thyroid and blood sugar and vitamins are all normal. My bread free days lasted 3 then superbowl party and a birthday party hit me sooooo I am now on day 3 again of no bread. So far so good. Through the course of this most recent experiment, I have learned some very important lessons that I might have otherwise missed: 1. If I start off my day with cereal, I crave a sandwich or pasta for lunch; if I start with eggs, I crave more protein in the day. 2. I CANNOT have just one bite of candy/chocolate/ice cream etc. If I never put it in my mouth to begin with, I actually don't want it and the moment passes. 3. Sugar makes me super cranky, makes me hate myself, and makes me angry towards the kids. 4. Eating a bread product makes my stomach puffy and my pants tight. I am craving a lot of water right now 5. I am actually now following the simply filling program of WW without the cereal/bread; who knew? 6. I have cut down on so many fruits and have replaced those servings with veggies, turns out I was still getting too much natural sugar from fruits. 7. For the first time in many many months I feel in control! That my friends is a major accomplishment!

So.

I lost a pound (you know, of the 3 that I have gained!) John is working mids for the month of February so I will be able to go to every weight watchers meeting this month since he can take Ava to school instead of me. I love to exercise in the am before I get on the scale so for this month, I can! Yesterday worked out great with no sugar/bread, I actually ate quite a bit and didn't have any headaches or feel hungry/deprived at all. We'll see how this week goes, I have many mantras I am repeating to myself like : "I am worth this" "The cravings will pass" "I will never be this weight again" and so on.....I am really trying to work on my mental attitude and how I talk to myself and try to have a more positive attitude instead of trash talking myself everyday.

My parents moved over the weekend from plant city to a mile away! I am so excited they are closer, we have already been there everyday since they moved. Ian definitely loves it since he is a little obsessed with his Papa. The girls love the new house because there are more rooms and more places to explore and hide! I love that they love to help out with the kids and will keep them anytime!

Anyways, waiting to hear about my blood results, I'll update when I hear

Waiting

Well, I went to the dr. this past Tuesday and then had blood work done Wednesday and should have the results this week early. I have decided this week it is time to eliminate bread and sugar, I just don't think my body can process it well. All I ever eat is whole wheat anyways but I just think there is something in bread period that I need to do without. I have prayed for a lot for help, strength and support for this week to eliminate my cravings. My goal at the start of the year was to have lost the last 7 pounds by February 20 and since then all I have done is gain 3 pounds! My self esteem and mentality are really taking a beating because of this and I really need to work through it because it is pulling me down. Man, I hope the blood work shows something! She is checking all my vitamins, a full metabolic panel, urine, and thyroid. If something comes back iffy, she wants to do another full work up on my thyroid.

I am pushing myself harder this week too in the gym and boy oh boy are my muscles feeling it! The full hour of weight lifting is really what I have been needing and craving and it HURTS! look out summer here comes a new woman!

Issues

I am having issues. Weight issues. I have lost 40 lbs since I had Ian but have been gaining and losing the same 2 lbs since last April! Now, in the past month, I have put on 2-3 MORE pounds!! What gives?? I exercise 4-5 times a week either eliptical, running, bike, pilates, body pump (1 hour of weights) or a combo of 2 of them. I write down EVERYTHING I eat, eat all my fruits/veggies, take a vitamin, make sure I eat enough protein, I don't drink milk but do get calcium in other ways, if I eat a grain, only once a day, never buy junk foods EVER, and am constantly mindful of what and how I am eating. I have truly changed my horrible eating habits into something to be proud of BUT I still feel like a failure because I can't lose 7 pounds to make Lifetime at Weight*watchers???

My leader has helped to try everything....eat more points, exercise less (I want to know the logic in this, I just don't get it!), try all kinds of different things and nothing makes the scale budge. My last resort, and I am going on Tuesday, is to see a dr. and get a physical/blood tests and see if something is missing from me and ask their opinion what my weight should be for my body type. I feel excited about this hoping I can find some answers as to what is going on because I know something is, just cant figure out what!

If this doesn't work, someone schedule me for a tummy tuck and get these implants out of me! That has to be an answer too ha!

Animal Kingdom

We bought passes to Disney this week and our first trip we chose to go to Animal Kingdom since

we have never been. I was skeptical at first thinking it would just be a glorified zoo and that we were going to waste the trip. I was told that there wasn't a whole lot to do. Boy, am I glad we went! It was pretty awesome, the Nemo musical, safari ride, and the Lion King show were definite favorites by far. Ian was mesmerized during Nemo (one of his current favorite words and the ONLY thing he will watch on TV!) The parade at the end of the day was pretty cool too. The girls and Ian met Pocahantas, Minnie, and Donald Duck, Madeline rode her first roller coaster in Dino-land, and me and the 3 oldest were absolutely terrified during another dinosaur ride (NEVER AGAIN!!!) I wish the park would

have been opened longer (they closed at 5) because we didn't even get to see a whole section of the park!

All around it was an awesome day. Ian and Ava both took brief naps in the stroller, Johnny chickened out on the river rapids ride because he can not stand

getting wet, and the kids and I are pretty sure we are over dinosaurs at the moment! (if you have young children, even if they are 40 inches, DO NOT LET THEM RIDE Dinosaur!!! It was dark, fast, loud, jerky and just 100% terrifying for little ones (and ME!)

Ian 22 months, Ava 4, Madeline 6, Johnny 8

sorry guys about the sun being in your eyes!

see how perfect our days was on the African safari!

On the jeep during the safari...we sat in the very back and it was b*u*m*p*y!

Madeline's first roller coaster ride!

Watching a performance